Announcer. And now, direct from our studio in Cell 143-B of the Oregon State Correctional
Institution in Portland, Oregon, it's "Today in Uncle Don Land". Along with Uncle
Don, we have Lynn Novice, our newsman--Jerry Plate, and our weatherman, who
just got out of jail, Joey Jive. And now, here's Uncle Don.
Uncle Don. Well folks, here I am again. We've moved our studio, because the police raided our
other studio. I have some sad news. Lynn Novice won't be with us--because she was
hit by a truck. On our show, we've got the head of the "Smuggling Heroin League"--
Jose Smith; the vice-chairman of the "Bring our Boys Back from Berlin Foundation"--
Fred Fink; Charlotte Chum--head of "Women Of Power" or "WOP"; and the "Bop
Boys", who will sing for us. Here's our weatherman, Joey Jive, to give us the weather.
Joey Jive. Thanks Uncle Don, it sure is good to get back into jail. Let's look at the map. For you
people that are revolting in Eugene today, the weather will be fair and windy--so
those firebombs will spread faster through those buildings. For those in Salem--you
will have rain--so wait until tomorrow to blow up the city. That's all for today. Our
high in Portland is acid, and our low is bennies.
Uncle Don That was great Joey. Here is a commercial from "Bobby Sox".
Announcer. Remember those Bop days? Well, they're coming back. ...And the way to stay with
the times is with "Bobby Sox". It will not only rejuvenate your feet, but it will also
knock your shoes off. Drink it with a friend. "Bobby Sox" is MY cup of tea!
Uncle Don. Here's our first guest--Jose Smith. He is president of the "Smuggling Heroin League".
He provides powder for needy people in America. Welcome Mr. Smith.
Smith. Wow! Far out!
Uncle Don. Are you on anything?
Smith. Yes, my chair--Ha Ha Ha!
Uncle Don. Well, tell me what the "Smuggling Heroin League" is all about.
Smith. We have an organized society of ships between Nome, Alaska and Veracruz, Mexico.
Everyday, thousands of junkies get fixes, because of our loyal, dedicated wetbacks.
Uncle Don. Well, that's real nice. (Uncle Don pushes a little button behind his chair. Suddenly,
50 policemen rush into cell 143-B and take Jose Smith away.) Well, as you can see,
I'm not only a loveable, well-liked person--I'm also a narc. Let's go to Jerry Plate
for the news. Jerry,
Plate. Thanks Uncle Don. Today we had several riots, demonstrations, and card playin's.
The most interesting item was an attack by flying fish on salmon. Salmon won by
a final score of 3-2.
Uncle Don. Well thanks Jerry, that was SOME report! Now for an advertisement from our
sponsor--Bunseam Bread.
Announcer. Bunseam Bread gives you W.A.S.P.--Wonderful American Super Protein. It will
make you grow higher and your neck redder. Bunseam Bread is great for your ego.
Uncle Don. Now, our nest guest is Fred Fink. Mr. Fink is the vice-chairman of the "Bring our
Boys Back from Berlin Foundation". He has a great deal of education at P.S. No. 147
in Brooklyn, where he was a student for 36 years. It certainly is a pleasure to have you
here, Mr. Fink.
Fred Fink. Thank you.
Uncle Don. Tell us what the foundation does.
Fred Fink. Our foundation gives money to the soldiers in Berlin. We give them about $6.00 a
month. This money goes toward an airplane ticket, so that they can come home.
Unfortunately, it takes about 20 years to get enough money to come home. That's
why we need everyone's support in our effort. If we could be able to give every
soldier $12 a month, instead of $6, it could cut the arrival time in half. In other words,
it will take 10 years, instead of 20.
Uncle Don. Well, I'm sure that you'll get all the support you need. Where can people send their
money?
Fred Fink. They can send it to "Bring our Boys Back from Berlin", P.O. Box 1902, Cell no. 607,
Leavenworth, Kansas. If you send a check of more than $1.50, you will get a free
membership to the foundation.
Uncle Don. Thank you for stopping by, Fred. Now folks, here's a word from our sponsor, Seppi
Cola.
Announcer. Seppi Cola is the official drink of the Mafia, the Syndicate, and all those other
protecting organizations. Seppi Cola gives you B.I.R.C.H.--Better Ink-Rich Cold
Honey, a new secret formula for sweeter cheeks. Seppi Cola seeps into your body
and gives you a feeling you'll never forget. Seppi Cola--buy it today.
Uncle Don. Yes, that's Seppi Cola. Now, here's our musical feature. Uusually we like to
introduce a new group during this time slot, so here's a new group that call
themselves the "Bop Boys". The members of the group are Spade, who plays the
piano and sings, and Oglethorpe, who plays the kazoo and sings. They write their
own songs. They bring back the sounds of the fifties and put them in a modern
flavor. Ladies and gentlemen, the "Bop Boys".
Bop Boys. (singing) Doo wah wah wah, Doo wah wah wah, Doo wah wah wah, Doo wah wah
wah, Doo wah dee. (speaking) Hello ladies and gentlemen, and we're the Bop Boys.
We gon' sing some beach songs, some car songs, some love songs, but first of all we
gotta do our introductory song. You see, we play rock and roll.
(singing) Shing-a-ling bop a doo, Shing-a-ling bop a doo, Shing-a-ling bop a doo--
We're gonna sing a song for my baby who's blue
Bee bop a doo, Shing-a-ling too
Gonna do the fish for my baby who's blue
Gonna do the twist with my blue suede shoes
Doo bop a doo bop a doo bop a doo doo.
Uncle Don. That was great boys. Folks, if you enjoy, send your vote to Cell 143-B of the Oregon
State Correctional Institution, and maybe these boys will come back next week.
(aside) That was awful! Now, here is our last guest--Charlotte Chum. Miss Chum
is head of "Women Of Power" or "WOP". Good morning Miss Chum.
Chum. Hi there.
Uncle Don. Tell us briefly what your program covers.
Chum. Well you see, it's like this, "Women Of Power" was organized to give women a voice
in their exploitation.
Uncle Don. Could you tell us where women are being exploited?
Chum. I can give you 3 examples: "Bunseam Bread", "Bobby Sox", and "Seppi Cola".
Uncle Don. (whispering) You can't say that. They're our sponsors.
Chum. (shouting) You can't tell me what I can and cannot say!
Uncle Don. Well, I see by our director, Al Capone, that it's time to say so long for Jerry Plate,
Joey Jive, and the deceased Lynn Novice for now. Tune in tomorrow--same time,
same channel, different studio.
Chum. "Women Of Power" will live for 1000 years. Long live "WOP"!
Uncle Don. Goodbye folks!
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