The Uncle Don News Report, 1972

Announcer.   And now, live and direct from the Ohio State University Locker Room in Portland,
                      Oregon, pulling no punches and striking several blows to the face, here is the five
                      minute Uncle Don news report with Uncle Don, Lloyd Loser with the sports, and
                     Willie Wrong with the weather.  Tonight's editorial comment will be given by Dr.
                     Charles Editorial.  And now, here's Uncle Don.


Singers.        We've got good news and bad news and true news and blue news...


Uncle Don.   But first the news.  This just in--a whale was found today swimming in a fountain in
                     St. Louis, Mo.  No one was able to explain the whale's being there, except to say that
                     was a whale of a story...Two H-bombs were exploded over central Kansas, it was
                     learned today.  No reason was given, since the incident happened nearly five years ago.
                     Who will be or has been next?...Federal agents today seized 434 pounds of saltine
                     crackers that were being smuggled out of the country.  The smugglers were quoted as
                     saying, "Well, what about the starving Chinese?"  Now for sports, here is Lloyd Loser.
                     Oh, Lloyd lost again, here's a commercial.


Announcer
& Singers.    Double the goodness, double the cavities, with "Double chew", "Double chew", "Double
                     chew" gum.  Yes friends, "Double chew" gum gives you two chews in every stick.  And
                     now, you can save those wrapper and get some valuable prizes including a free trip to
                     your dentist's office.  Be the first one on your street to get the double chew goodness
                     of "Double chew" gum.  Now back to our program.


Lloyd Loser. It's sports time!  Yea!  Ole!  Hooray!  Watusi!  Well today we're going to cover several
                      sports with a wet blanket.  It rained all day, so no sports.  Now, over to Willie Wrong.


Willie Wrong. Wow, this has been a great day!  The sun was never brighter until today, except in
                         Portland, where there were floods.  You've got to try harder you guys.  The high
                         today was 38 degrees, while the low this morning was 103 degrees.  Let's check
                         that humidity.  It reads 20 minutes after eight.  The barometer is steady between
                         2 and 36.  Now over to Dr. Charles Editorial.


Editorial.        Tonight's editorial deals with the rising cost of living in Carson Falls, West Virginia.
                       Since the recent atomic holocaust in the small town, business has been slow.  Is
                       there any reason why Carson Falls, W. Va. has to suffer like the rest of us?  Yes,
                       because it is a town in the gold ole U. S. of A., and comes under the same rules as
                       the rest of us.


Announcer.    The preceding comment is the opinion of Dr. Editorial.  Write your nasty letters to
                       him, instead of this station.  For a printed copy of tonight's editorial, send $5.00
                       plus a picture of your dog to:  Editorial Number 604 on "Carson Falls", 8604
                       Zenith Rd., Apt. 17, Brucehill, Wisconsin.  Now back to Uncle Don.


Uncle Don.   That's all for tonight.  Join us again at 11:30 tonight, for the best in entertainment.
                      We'll have with us the latest death toll from the war in Upper Volta.  Until then,
                      for Willie Wrong, Lloyd Loser, and the entire staff, goodnight, and remember, it's
                      not the news that we report, it's just the truth.


Announcer.   This program was brought to you by the Magnificent Aerial Farming Institute of
                      America or MAFIA.  They can help you when you need them.