Uncle Don and the Election Returns, 1971

Announcer.   ...And now, direct from our newsroom in Joe's Pizza Parlor, it's "Uncle Don and the
                     Election Returns".  Uncle Don will report the election returns for Bent Creek, Kansas.
                     Now, here's Uncle Don.


Uncle Don.  Well folks, this is a great night.  We will know who our mayor and city council will be,
                     when this program is over.  Let's look at the big board for the first returns.  Here's our
                     reporter for mayor--Perry Parsley.


Parsley.        Thanks Uncle Don.  The first votes for mayor gives us--Shyster-53 votes; Conartist-26
                     votes; Goodman-3 votes.  This is it right now, Uncle Don.


                     (a flash of lighting hits the studio, the electricity is cut off, except for the television
                     cameras and the microphones.)


Uncle Don.  What happened?  Are we off the air?


Director.      The cameras and sound are on.  We've got to keep reporting.


Uncle Don.  But there are not any votes coming in.


Director.      So what?


Uncle Don.  Well folks, it's a tight race.  Shyster-53 votes; Conartist-26 votes; Goodman-3 votes.
                    Perry, do you have any reflections on the mayor's race?


Parsley.       No


Uncle Don.  Okay, oh we're in luck.  Someone has dropped into our studio.  It's Captain Soul.  Why
                    did you come to our studio tonight.


Captain S.   I wanted to get a pizza.


Uncle Don.  Well, that's fine.  Tell us about your crimefighting.


Captain S.    I can't.


Uncle Don.  Why not?


Captain S.    Because it's a secret organization.


Uncle Don.  What is?


Captain S.    S.O.U.L., what else?  Oh no, I let it out.  Oh well.


Uncle Don.  Tell us about Samson the Chicken.


Captain S.    Well, he's an overstuffed man in a chicken world.


Uncle Don.  Let's look at that race for mayor, Perry.


Parsley.       This is a close one.  Shyster-53 votes; Conartist-26 votes; Goodman-3 votes.  Now,
                    back to Uncle Don.


Uncle Don.  Wow, that race is far out.  Now, back to Captain Soul.  Captain Soul, what is the spy
                    business really like?


Captain S.  It's like a rat race.  We kill those lousy rats that call themselves W.R.O.N.G. agents.


Uncle Don.  Well that's fine.  Now for a commercial.  When is that stupid electricity coming back on?


Director.    Just be cool, Uncle Don.


Uncle Don.  How can I be cool under these hot lights?  Well, we're back again.  Captain Soul is
                    gone.  He's gone to kill those lousy rats.  Now, let's look at the race for council.  Here's
                    Arnold Apple, our man in the council.


Apple.         Thanks Uncle Don.  This is the council race--Timer-no votes; Wood-no votes; Pine-no
                    votes; Oak-no votes.


Uncle Don.  That sure is close, Arnold.  Now, here's our political analyst, Dr. Charles Chain--the
                    "link to politics".  How do you see this race?


Dr. Chain.   It is basic to see that if this race is to be won by either side that...and make no mistake
                    about it...the electricity should come back on.


Uncle Don.  Thank you, Dr. Chain.  Here's another commercial.  I can't go on like this.  It's just
                     too much for me.


Director.      Don't give up yet.  We still have to produce a winner.


Uncle Don.  Well I...Oh, Ha Ha Ha!  You caught me.  Let's look at that tight mayor's race.  Perry,


Parsley.       Shyster now has 53 votes; Conartist has 26 votes; and Goodman has 3 votes.  We're
                    really moving.


Uncle Don.  We sure are.  We're going to move out of this studio next week, Ha Ha!  Now, we have
                     a special treat for you folks.  You know the man who announces this show, well here
                     he is.  Fred Announcer.


Announcer.  Hello Uncle Don.


Uncle Don.  Well, how did you get into this business?


Announcer.  I was a brass knuckles man.


Uncle Don.  No, not that business--the T.V. business.


Announcer.  Oh, that business.  Well, I used to announce the gang wars, and I was discovered.


Uncle Don.  That's great.  Thanks for stopping by.  It's 2:35 a.m., and we're still here.  Wait,
                     someone has just run into the studio.  It's an informer from the polls.  He says--let's
                     get it from his own mouth.


Runner.        It's...it's Shyster-53; Conartist-26; and Goodman-3.


Uncle Don.  Thanks for coming by.  While we're waiting for further reports, I thought I would read
                     you a short book on history "The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich".  (after 15 hours
                     was past he finishes)  Well, that was a good book.  (suddenly, a flash of lightning
                     and a bolt of thunder and a high-o Silver)  It's the masked man.  What do you want?


Man.             Goodman won!  (the masked man leaves in a puff of smoke)


Uncle Don.   Who was that?


Director.       That was the Lame Stranger.


Uncle Don.   Well, that's it.  Goodman is our new mayor.  So, for all of our workers, this is Uncle
                      Don saying so long for now.