Announcer. ...And now, straight from the backroom of the SDS Walla Walla headquarters, here is
the Uncle Don Show. Along with Uncle Don, there are your favorite cartoon friends
such as the comedy team of Trickie Dickie and Spiro the Greek. Also we have our
special guest--Percy Pinko, talking on how to make Molotov cocktails. Now, here's
Uncle Don.
Children. Yea Uncle Don!, Uncle Don is my hero, 3 cheers for Uncle Don, hip hip hooray, hip
hip hooray, hip hip hooray.
Uncle Don. Well thanks kiddies. We've got a great show for you today. Not only do we have
Dickie and Spiro, but we've also got the antics of our great, stupendous, laughable
group of nuts, the Senate and the House of Representatives.
Children. Yea, Uncle Don!
Uncle Don. Now, without further addue, here is our first cartoon, Porky Pig and Fuzzy.
Announcer. Due to technical difficulties, beyond our control, the visual portion of this cartoon will
not be shown. You will be able to obtain a visual version of the program for $19.95.
The cartoon is $5.00 extra.
Voice. Take that you pig!
Porky Pig. The name's p-p-p-p-Porky.
Fuzzy. Yes, and I'm Fuzzy, your friendly fuzz.
Voice. Well, this is your last straw!
Porky. Oh g-g-g-g-good, I thought you were out of straws, I was hoping that I wouldn't
have to drink my soda without a straw.
Fuzzy. All right, up against the wall, boy!
Uncle Don. Well kiddies, how did you like that cartoon?
Child. I don't understand it, Uncle Don.
Uncle Don. Ask your mother. Now kiddies, here's our birthday list. Let's see where did I put
that list? Ah, here it is.
Child. Where was it Uncle Don?
Uncle Don. Oh, it was in this book on the "Private Life of J. Edgar".
Child. J. Edgar who?
Uncle Don. Ask your mother. Now for the list. Bobby Seale is how many years old?
Child. 18, no let's see, 5 and 18 is 23. Hey Uncle Don, you've got 23 fingers.
Uncle Don. Well, that's close enough. Well, that's it for today. If you've got a birthday, then send
it to Uncle Don, 1545 SDS Rd., Walla Walla, Wash. Send it with a $10 deposit to
insure safety. If you want to be on the list and be first, add $5 more and an essay in
1000 words or less on why Uncle Don is the "father of our country".
Child. We all think of you as the father of our country, Uncle Don.
Uncle Don. And don't you forget it.
Children. Where's our sandwiches? Where's our drinks? Where's our autographed pictures of
you, Uncle Don?
Uncle Don. You'll get those in a minute after a word from our sponsor. If you get iron-poor tired
blood, after a hard day playing army, then take Geritol. It will make you feel stronger
fast, and it will give you twice the iron in a pound of calf's liver.
Child. What's a calf's liver?
Uncle Don. A calf's liver in simple terms is a cow's heart beating.
Children. Wow! That's neat.
Uncle Don. This Geritol will make you kill more Commie Pinkos than the next boy or girl. And
if you buy a bottle right now, you get a certificate for one, actual machine gun--
complete with bullets and shoulder strap. Impress your friends--if you have any left
after you're through with it. And for the low, low price of $5, you'll get a refill of 10
bullets to use on your family.
Child. That's for me, Uncle Don.
Uncle Don. And now kiddies, I'm going to give you your sandwiches, drinks, and autographed
pictures. If you kiddies out there in television land want to be on the show and get
some of these wonderful goodies--just send $50 to the Uncle Don Show to defray
cost.
Child. That's unreasonable, Uncle Don.
Uncle Don. If you think that's unreasonable, wait until your mother gets plugged for $200 for
loitering in the studio. Now, here is our guest for today--Percy Pinko. Hi, Percy.
Pinko. Hi there Uncle Don. Gosh, it's so nice to be here today.
Uncle Don. Well, that's nice. Okay, now kiddies, Percy Pinko is going to tell you how to make
Molotov cocktails. Percy--
Pinko. Thank yoooou. Now kiddies, you know what this is?
Child. Yes, that's a liquor bottle that my father has.
Pinko. Is he a revolutionary?
Child. No, he's a drunk.
Percy. Oh, and do you know what this is?
Child. Yes, that's an oily rag. Sparky says that you shouldn't have oily rags in the house.
Percy. That's right--don't start playing with matches. Now, you put the oily rag inside the
liquor bottle, after you fill the bottle with gasoline. Then you take this match...
Child. (gasp) Mommy says don't play with matches.
Percy. This isn't playing--this is work! Okay, you light the rag and...
BOOM!!
(the studio is shaken. Percy Pinko is no more. Uncle Don comes out without a
scratch. The children cry. Everything is just as normal as ever.)
Uncle Don. That was great, Percy. Kiddies, Percy Pinko will be back next week with another
exciting project for you to do at home. Now, it's time to talk to the little darlings.
And what's your name little girl?
Girl. My name is Julie.
Uncle Don. Julie what?
Girl. Julie Nixon.
Uncle Don. How old are you, Julie?
Julie. I'm 26.
Uncle Don. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Julie. I want to be president.
Uncle Don. Are you going to be the first woman president?
Julie. No, I'm going to be a man about it.
Uncle Don. Do you have a secret for me?
Julie. Yes, my father thinks you are corrupt.
Uncle Don. That's not saying much for him. And what's your name my little man?
Boy. My name's David S. Eisenpheppher.
Uncle Don. Can you spell that?
David. E-I-S-E-N-H-O-W-E-R!
Uncle Don. How old are you?
David. Seven
Uncle Don. But that's only six fingers.
David. (crying) I only have six fingers.
Uncle Don. What's your secret?
David. I can't show you that I'm seven.
Uncle Don. What's your name little boy?
Boy. My name is Eldridge.
Uncle Don. Eldridge who?
Eldridge. Butcher Cleaver III
Uncle Don. Do you want to say anything to your friends?
Eldridge. Yes, I want to say to my loyal friend, J. Edgar, Power to the People!
Uncle Don. Well, that's it with our little children. If you want to be on the Uncle Don Show, ask
your father if he makes more than $20,000 per year. If he does, tell him to send me
half of his income, and you will get a ringside seat at the Uncle Don Show. I see by
the old clock up against the wall that the Uncle Don Show is just about to be
cancelled.
Child. Why? Uncle Don, why?
Uncle Don. I'm not leaving the network. I've got a new show coming up next week. It's called
"Today in Uncle Don Land". I'll have a co-star along with me, Lynn Novice. And
so till next time, this is Uncle Don saying so long. (whispering) Say goodbye, brats.
Children. Goodbye brats! Goodbye brats! Goodbye.....
Announcer. Remember the new show with Uncle Don, "Today in Uncle Don Land". If you've got
a talent like opera or revolutionary tactics, sign up with Uncle Don. Be sure your
bank account is in the $100,000 bracket. So long for Uncle Don, Trickie Dickie,
Spiro the Greek, Porky Pig, Fuzzy, and Percy Pinko, for now.
Children. Goodbye brats! Goodbye brats! Goodbye.....
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