Some people think that life is a straight line. Others see it has a bunch of detours. I see it as circles. You know, what goes around comes around. I have seen that time after time. Usually, those instances turn out in a negative manner. However, I have turned it into a positive more than once. Let me explain.
When I was in high school, times were pretty tough. I had gotten involved with the wrong crowd. I was getting beat up a lot in school. I had very few friends. I suffered from depression. For a brief time, I was being seen by a psychiatrist, but it didn't seem to help. My inferiority was too strong. It was time so say goodbye to my miserable life. I tried six times to kill myself, but I was too chicken to go through with it. I used pills and suffocation primarily. I also thought about using a knife, but I wasn't into pain and would rather pass out and die rather than doing it painfully. I was writing a lot of very depressing poems during this time. Very dark stuff. I kind of identify with the guys who killed at Columbine. My life was very similar to theirs, but thankfully I didn't have access to a gun.
My parents thought that a change in my peers might be a good thing for me, so we moved our church membership to a church closer to our house. I only knew one person there, and she invited me to join a youth choir. When I met those kids, my entire life changed. My dark life turned to light. They gave me a reason to live. They pointed out my talents including music, acting, and writing. They were happy, and their happiness infected me. God used those kids to get to me; to show me my self-worth; and to restore my soul. Consequently, I celebrate January 4th as my other birthday. I wasn't "born again" in the spiritual sense that day. Rather, I was reborn that day. I no longer wanted to kill myself.
My life turned around. I was writing better things. I was acting in plays, movies and TV. I was singing in choirs. I even sang solos in a couple of plays. Kind of scary. I worked with some of the finest actors in the world. I went to graduate school to prepare my career in Theatre. When I graduated from there, I was at the top of my game. I also was involved in the retail world. I was given awards for my selling and management avenues. I was a success in everything I touched. I had lots of friends, and everyone seemed to like me. I had been in love a few times, although never gotten married. Life was fun. I got involved in collecting Beatles stuff, and had the 2nd largest Beatles video collection in the world. I knew a lot of famous people in the entertainment industry. Life was good. And, in many ways, I lived beyond my means. So much so, that I had to declare bankruptcy in 1996. Then, another circle occurred.
Things started to spiral again. I was going to work to go to an oasis. When I was home alone, the demons would come out. The depression came back. When I was at work, I could forget about my problems for about 8 hours. Then, it was back to being alone. My money problems got worse. I had an addiction to shopping, among other things. It was not unusual for me to go into a store and drop $200 for something I would never use. I was pretty sick. Not many knew of my problems. After all, I was taught at an early age not to complain or cry. It showed weakness. I had to stay strong, and put on a front. I had so many people depending on me to be strong for them. I had lost the sense of who I was. I was getting empty again. Both of my parents died during this time, which didn't help matters much. Pink Floyd's song "Comfortably Numb" became my theme song.
This is why I moved to Greenville. I needed a change. I needed to get out of Dodge and into a new environment. The mountains can be very calming. Life got good again. I was being creative again. That is, until Christmas 2008. The money was drying up. I knew my days with my roommate were numbered. The depression returned, and I really just wanted to drive my car into a bridge and be done with it. One Saturday, I was visiting a friend at a store, where I had some of my stuff for sale. She saw how depressed I was and began helping me understand why. Mary was a big help. I really recommend writing down a list of your problems, and then tearing it up. It is a great release.
I came back to Columbia in the Spring of 2009 with newfound life. I was ready to tackle it. I began exercising by walking. I was walking at least 3 miles a day. I was eating better. My eyes were open to new challenges. But, the economy collapsed, and no one was hiring. On Labor Day 2009, with no money and no place to live, my car blew up. I had lost everything. That night, I was staying at my brother's house. In the guest bedroom, I tightened a sheet around my neck to choke myself to death. All of my life, people had told me how great I was. I had been successful. I had had powerful friends. Now, I had nothing. It was time to go. As the blood and oxygen were being cut-off to my brain, a song came into my head. It was the hymn "I Surrender All". "All to Jesus I surrender. All to Him I freely give. I will ever love and trust Him. In His presence daily live." That hymn was never one of my favorites growing up, but I know why God put it on my heart. I loosened the sheet and cried.
Yes, I had lost all material things. The things that were important to me. But, I gained so much more. I regained my life. I recognized that I will always suffer from depression in one form or another. But, it is what I make of it that controls me now. I have been to that cliff more than once. I have let the demons say things to me. But, I also have seen that light overcomes darkness. I am getting help now. People care about me. My entire life has changed. I am not materialistic anymore. I am not about wanting things, but rather needing things. If I don't need something, then I don't have it. So now, I have come to another circle. The circle of life.
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