I have thought how to address my year of being homeless. I suppose I could refer to it as "The Lost Weekend", but that has already been used. In my case, I will use a word which is the title of a book that I was working on, and may start back again. That word is "Redeemed".
I have known many people to go through their version of Hell. I would not say that being homeless is Hell, because in many respects it isn't. It is like being in jail with no walls. It is like being free with no freedom. It is very humbling. I do not wish anyone to go through it, but maybe some should to not be judging of others. I would like those prejudiced souls to do it for a week. I think lives would be changed.
After my brush with death, and God speaking to me to stay alive, I was still looking for a job. My brother told me about a part-time position at a local homeless shelter. Upon talking with them about their opening, the man there told me that I didn't need that job, but rather I needed to stay there. He recognized the fragile state that I was in emotionally and spiritually. So, I said okay. After I left that shelter, I walked the two blocks to my old church. It was noon.
I had grown up in First Baptist. My parents joined that church, when I was 5, and we had moved from New Orleans to Columbia. I had been baptized in that church, when I was 10. I had been involved in creating the Singles Ministry in that church. I had sung in the choir, and had presented a bunch of dramatic works there. I had participated in mission trips to several places. But in 1991, I moved my membership to St. Andrews Baptist after some hard feelings toward some people at First. About two years prior to my being homeless, a childhood friend from church had died. I went to her funeral, which was the first time in about 15 years that I had set foot in that church, and I had the unusual feeling that I had come home. Now, I was there again. This time looking for some pastoral counseling with all I had been through in the last 24 hours.
When I showed up looking for help, the secretary told me that all of the ministers were at lunch, but there was a guy there, who was studying to be a minister, and maybe I could talk to him. I thought why not, so Alan showed up.
Alan took me to a room, and I broke down crying. I had never cried so much before. After all, I had been taught that crying showed weakness. But, I cried nevertheless. Tears streamed down my face. I had nothing. Alan told me that I had something. Jesus. It was like a light went off in my head. I had grown up in a Christian home. I had gone to a Christian college. I had graduated from a Christian seminary. I had written Christian plays. And, I realized as I cried that I was not alone. I found people who cared. Caring souls are very important to me, which is why I have tried my level best to be more caring now. We are all in this world together. Alan was a great friend to me that day, as God put him in my path. The secretary could have easily said there were no ministers and to come back later. But, she cared. I can't explain how special that was.
Since that day, I have become much more involved with the church. These loving people accepted me for who I was. They have nurtured me and guided me in ways that I could never imagine a church to do. With them, being homeless was at least bearable. I talk more about that experience next time.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Tornado
The first memory I have, as a child, was being caught in a hurricane in Biloxi. I despise hurricanes. They scare me. The worst experience I ever had was with Hurricane Hugo. I suffer from PTSD because of it. But, then there are tornadoes.
I have been in three in my life. I do not wish them on anyone. In light of the tragedies in Texas and Oklahoma recently, I need to tell you about my experiences. Oddly, when I lived in Texas for three years, I did not see one tornado. We did have a bad dust storm and torrential rains, as well as deep snow and bitter cold, but no tornadoes.
When I was in college at Presbyterian, I was in class on the 3rd floor watching a movie. I don't remember what class it was, but I remember the power went off, and we heard the sound of a train. The teacher knew what was happening, and he told everyone to hit the floor and get under our desks. I don't really know how much that would have helped, since it was a three-story building, but we did anyway. The tornado touched down on one side of my dorm and took out a tree. Then, it went up and came back down on the other side of my dorm and took out another tree. Then, it proceeded to go across the football field and take out all of the light poles before going back up. Had it gone through my dorm, it would have gone right through my room. Everyone says that it sounds like a freight train. It does.
The second one happened in Missouri, when I was with two friends at Six Flags Over Mid-America outside of St. Louis. We had gone to the park that night and went on the rollercoaster. One of my friends looked into the sky and commented that it looked like a tornado was coming. Apparently, the ride operator saw it, too, because he stopped the ride, and he had to walk down the track to the ground. The park has a storm shelter underground, which is where the employees went. Most of the patrons went to their cars in the parking lot. We didn't know where to go, so we looked for some substantial structure to go into. There were none. We found a security guard, and we stayed with him. We watched as the spinning cloud went over us, but it didn't touch down. My two friends were in awe. I was just scared. The tornado touched down about a mile from the park at a small airport and destroyed some airplanes. When the storm was gone, they reopened the park, and there were no lines for the rides. We had it all to ourselves.
The third one happened during a storm, as I was driving on a road between Clinton and Newberry. I had left seeing my parents in Laurens and was on my way home. I never liked driving on interstates, and really enjoyed the scenery of the secondary roads. On this afternoon, it was raining cats and dogs. You couldn't see very far in front of you. Consequently, you couldn't drive fast. There was a car in front of me with an older man behind the wheel. He was creeping along, and my eyes were fixed on his back lights. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a small tornado coming across a field. It wasn't moving fast, but I was calculating if it would miss us or not. It seemed to be moving about the same speed as us. I couldn't pass the old man, so I began honking my horn to try and get him to speed up. I couldn't brake, as I didn't know if anyone was behind me. So, I kept honking. He wouldn't speed up. The twister was getting closer. Just as it got to us, it went up and clipped the top of my car. I heard a thump and kept going. When we got to Newberry, the road turned into four lanes, and I could get around the old man. I gave him a dirty look, and he just looked at me and threw up his hands as if to say "Why were you honking?" He apparently never saw the tornado. I did. It put a small dent on the edge of my car just above the passenger side window.
I feel for those who have lost everything, including the lives. I have a lot to be thankful for. Hug someone today and tell them it will be okay.
I have been in three in my life. I do not wish them on anyone. In light of the tragedies in Texas and Oklahoma recently, I need to tell you about my experiences. Oddly, when I lived in Texas for three years, I did not see one tornado. We did have a bad dust storm and torrential rains, as well as deep snow and bitter cold, but no tornadoes.
When I was in college at Presbyterian, I was in class on the 3rd floor watching a movie. I don't remember what class it was, but I remember the power went off, and we heard the sound of a train. The teacher knew what was happening, and he told everyone to hit the floor and get under our desks. I don't really know how much that would have helped, since it was a three-story building, but we did anyway. The tornado touched down on one side of my dorm and took out a tree. Then, it went up and came back down on the other side of my dorm and took out another tree. Then, it proceeded to go across the football field and take out all of the light poles before going back up. Had it gone through my dorm, it would have gone right through my room. Everyone says that it sounds like a freight train. It does.
The second one happened in Missouri, when I was with two friends at Six Flags Over Mid-America outside of St. Louis. We had gone to the park that night and went on the rollercoaster. One of my friends looked into the sky and commented that it looked like a tornado was coming. Apparently, the ride operator saw it, too, because he stopped the ride, and he had to walk down the track to the ground. The park has a storm shelter underground, which is where the employees went. Most of the patrons went to their cars in the parking lot. We didn't know where to go, so we looked for some substantial structure to go into. There were none. We found a security guard, and we stayed with him. We watched as the spinning cloud went over us, but it didn't touch down. My two friends were in awe. I was just scared. The tornado touched down about a mile from the park at a small airport and destroyed some airplanes. When the storm was gone, they reopened the park, and there were no lines for the rides. We had it all to ourselves.
The third one happened during a storm, as I was driving on a road between Clinton and Newberry. I had left seeing my parents in Laurens and was on my way home. I never liked driving on interstates, and really enjoyed the scenery of the secondary roads. On this afternoon, it was raining cats and dogs. You couldn't see very far in front of you. Consequently, you couldn't drive fast. There was a car in front of me with an older man behind the wheel. He was creeping along, and my eyes were fixed on his back lights. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a small tornado coming across a field. It wasn't moving fast, but I was calculating if it would miss us or not. It seemed to be moving about the same speed as us. I couldn't pass the old man, so I began honking my horn to try and get him to speed up. I couldn't brake, as I didn't know if anyone was behind me. So, I kept honking. He wouldn't speed up. The twister was getting closer. Just as it got to us, it went up and clipped the top of my car. I heard a thump and kept going. When we got to Newberry, the road turned into four lanes, and I could get around the old man. I gave him a dirty look, and he just looked at me and threw up his hands as if to say "Why were you honking?" He apparently never saw the tornado. I did. It put a small dent on the edge of my car just above the passenger side window.
I feel for those who have lost everything, including the lives. I have a lot to be thankful for. Hug someone today and tell them it will be okay.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Circles
Some people think that life is a straight line. Others see it has a bunch of detours. I see it as circles. You know, what goes around comes around. I have seen that time after time. Usually, those instances turn out in a negative manner. However, I have turned it into a positive more than once. Let me explain.
When I was in high school, times were pretty tough. I had gotten involved with the wrong crowd. I was getting beat up a lot in school. I had very few friends. I suffered from depression. For a brief time, I was being seen by a psychiatrist, but it didn't seem to help. My inferiority was too strong. It was time so say goodbye to my miserable life. I tried six times to kill myself, but I was too chicken to go through with it. I used pills and suffocation primarily. I also thought about using a knife, but I wasn't into pain and would rather pass out and die rather than doing it painfully. I was writing a lot of very depressing poems during this time. Very dark stuff. I kind of identify with the guys who killed at Columbine. My life was very similar to theirs, but thankfully I didn't have access to a gun.
My parents thought that a change in my peers might be a good thing for me, so we moved our church membership to a church closer to our house. I only knew one person there, and she invited me to join a youth choir. When I met those kids, my entire life changed. My dark life turned to light. They gave me a reason to live. They pointed out my talents including music, acting, and writing. They were happy, and their happiness infected me. God used those kids to get to me; to show me my self-worth; and to restore my soul. Consequently, I celebrate January 4th as my other birthday. I wasn't "born again" in the spiritual sense that day. Rather, I was reborn that day. I no longer wanted to kill myself.
My life turned around. I was writing better things. I was acting in plays, movies and TV. I was singing in choirs. I even sang solos in a couple of plays. Kind of scary. I worked with some of the finest actors in the world. I went to graduate school to prepare my career in Theatre. When I graduated from there, I was at the top of my game. I also was involved in the retail world. I was given awards for my selling and management avenues. I was a success in everything I touched. I had lots of friends, and everyone seemed to like me. I had been in love a few times, although never gotten married. Life was fun. I got involved in collecting Beatles stuff, and had the 2nd largest Beatles video collection in the world. I knew a lot of famous people in the entertainment industry. Life was good. And, in many ways, I lived beyond my means. So much so, that I had to declare bankruptcy in 1996. Then, another circle occurred.
Things started to spiral again. I was going to work to go to an oasis. When I was home alone, the demons would come out. The depression came back. When I was at work, I could forget about my problems for about 8 hours. Then, it was back to being alone. My money problems got worse. I had an addiction to shopping, among other things. It was not unusual for me to go into a store and drop $200 for something I would never use. I was pretty sick. Not many knew of my problems. After all, I was taught at an early age not to complain or cry. It showed weakness. I had to stay strong, and put on a front. I had so many people depending on me to be strong for them. I had lost the sense of who I was. I was getting empty again. Both of my parents died during this time, which didn't help matters much. Pink Floyd's song "Comfortably Numb" became my theme song.
This is why I moved to Greenville. I needed a change. I needed to get out of Dodge and into a new environment. The mountains can be very calming. Life got good again. I was being creative again. That is, until Christmas 2008. The money was drying up. I knew my days with my roommate were numbered. The depression returned, and I really just wanted to drive my car into a bridge and be done with it. One Saturday, I was visiting a friend at a store, where I had some of my stuff for sale. She saw how depressed I was and began helping me understand why. Mary was a big help. I really recommend writing down a list of your problems, and then tearing it up. It is a great release.
I came back to Columbia in the Spring of 2009 with newfound life. I was ready to tackle it. I began exercising by walking. I was walking at least 3 miles a day. I was eating better. My eyes were open to new challenges. But, the economy collapsed, and no one was hiring. On Labor Day 2009, with no money and no place to live, my car blew up. I had lost everything. That night, I was staying at my brother's house. In the guest bedroom, I tightened a sheet around my neck to choke myself to death. All of my life, people had told me how great I was. I had been successful. I had had powerful friends. Now, I had nothing. It was time to go. As the blood and oxygen were being cut-off to my brain, a song came into my head. It was the hymn "I Surrender All". "All to Jesus I surrender. All to Him I freely give. I will ever love and trust Him. In His presence daily live." That hymn was never one of my favorites growing up, but I know why God put it on my heart. I loosened the sheet and cried.
Yes, I had lost all material things. The things that were important to me. But, I gained so much more. I regained my life. I recognized that I will always suffer from depression in one form or another. But, it is what I make of it that controls me now. I have been to that cliff more than once. I have let the demons say things to me. But, I also have seen that light overcomes darkness. I am getting help now. People care about me. My entire life has changed. I am not materialistic anymore. I am not about wanting things, but rather needing things. If I don't need something, then I don't have it. So now, I have come to another circle. The circle of life.
When I was in high school, times were pretty tough. I had gotten involved with the wrong crowd. I was getting beat up a lot in school. I had very few friends. I suffered from depression. For a brief time, I was being seen by a psychiatrist, but it didn't seem to help. My inferiority was too strong. It was time so say goodbye to my miserable life. I tried six times to kill myself, but I was too chicken to go through with it. I used pills and suffocation primarily. I also thought about using a knife, but I wasn't into pain and would rather pass out and die rather than doing it painfully. I was writing a lot of very depressing poems during this time. Very dark stuff. I kind of identify with the guys who killed at Columbine. My life was very similar to theirs, but thankfully I didn't have access to a gun.
My parents thought that a change in my peers might be a good thing for me, so we moved our church membership to a church closer to our house. I only knew one person there, and she invited me to join a youth choir. When I met those kids, my entire life changed. My dark life turned to light. They gave me a reason to live. They pointed out my talents including music, acting, and writing. They were happy, and their happiness infected me. God used those kids to get to me; to show me my self-worth; and to restore my soul. Consequently, I celebrate January 4th as my other birthday. I wasn't "born again" in the spiritual sense that day. Rather, I was reborn that day. I no longer wanted to kill myself.
My life turned around. I was writing better things. I was acting in plays, movies and TV. I was singing in choirs. I even sang solos in a couple of plays. Kind of scary. I worked with some of the finest actors in the world. I went to graduate school to prepare my career in Theatre. When I graduated from there, I was at the top of my game. I also was involved in the retail world. I was given awards for my selling and management avenues. I was a success in everything I touched. I had lots of friends, and everyone seemed to like me. I had been in love a few times, although never gotten married. Life was fun. I got involved in collecting Beatles stuff, and had the 2nd largest Beatles video collection in the world. I knew a lot of famous people in the entertainment industry. Life was good. And, in many ways, I lived beyond my means. So much so, that I had to declare bankruptcy in 1996. Then, another circle occurred.
Things started to spiral again. I was going to work to go to an oasis. When I was home alone, the demons would come out. The depression came back. When I was at work, I could forget about my problems for about 8 hours. Then, it was back to being alone. My money problems got worse. I had an addiction to shopping, among other things. It was not unusual for me to go into a store and drop $200 for something I would never use. I was pretty sick. Not many knew of my problems. After all, I was taught at an early age not to complain or cry. It showed weakness. I had to stay strong, and put on a front. I had so many people depending on me to be strong for them. I had lost the sense of who I was. I was getting empty again. Both of my parents died during this time, which didn't help matters much. Pink Floyd's song "Comfortably Numb" became my theme song.
This is why I moved to Greenville. I needed a change. I needed to get out of Dodge and into a new environment. The mountains can be very calming. Life got good again. I was being creative again. That is, until Christmas 2008. The money was drying up. I knew my days with my roommate were numbered. The depression returned, and I really just wanted to drive my car into a bridge and be done with it. One Saturday, I was visiting a friend at a store, where I had some of my stuff for sale. She saw how depressed I was and began helping me understand why. Mary was a big help. I really recommend writing down a list of your problems, and then tearing it up. It is a great release.
I came back to Columbia in the Spring of 2009 with newfound life. I was ready to tackle it. I began exercising by walking. I was walking at least 3 miles a day. I was eating better. My eyes were open to new challenges. But, the economy collapsed, and no one was hiring. On Labor Day 2009, with no money and no place to live, my car blew up. I had lost everything. That night, I was staying at my brother's house. In the guest bedroom, I tightened a sheet around my neck to choke myself to death. All of my life, people had told me how great I was. I had been successful. I had had powerful friends. Now, I had nothing. It was time to go. As the blood and oxygen were being cut-off to my brain, a song came into my head. It was the hymn "I Surrender All". "All to Jesus I surrender. All to Him I freely give. I will ever love and trust Him. In His presence daily live." That hymn was never one of my favorites growing up, but I know why God put it on my heart. I loosened the sheet and cried.
Yes, I had lost all material things. The things that were important to me. But, I gained so much more. I regained my life. I recognized that I will always suffer from depression in one form or another. But, it is what I make of it that controls me now. I have been to that cliff more than once. I have let the demons say things to me. But, I also have seen that light overcomes darkness. I am getting help now. People care about me. My entire life has changed. I am not materialistic anymore. I am not about wanting things, but rather needing things. If I don't need something, then I don't have it. So now, I have come to another circle. The circle of life.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
My Car Blew Up
Okay, so in 2008, I moved to Greenville SC. I loved it there. I loved the mountains. I loved the people. I loved the art scene. I loved it all. Unfortunately, my living arrangement ended in early 2009, and I felt I needed to move back to Columbia. It wasn't an easy decision, but it looked like the right one. I wasn't working in Greenville, and I was living off of the money I got from Macy's. I tried to get rehired there, but they wouldn't take me. I made millions for them, when I worked there the first time, but I guess my reluctance to sell their credit card was why. I just had a bit more conscience that some others. So, I moved back to Columbia.
I was staying for about six months in weekly-rate motels while looking for work. They weren't bad. Except for one which advertised free Wi-Fi, but it was only on with the manager's daughter needed to do her homework in the afternoons. My car was acting up, even when I was in Greenville. But, I tried to keep going with it. I took it to a mechanic who showed me that there was a crack in the engine block, and it was leaking oil. He said it would cost about $3000 to fix. So, I just added oil and kept rolling.
On Labor Day 2009, I had run out of money. I could no longer stay in the motel, so I packed up my stuff (most of it was in storage, so the things I had in the motel were clothes and some essentials), and I put two quarts of oil into my car. I drove out to Columbia Mall to put in some applications and then headed over to Dutch Square via I-20. About halfway down the road, there was a bang under the hood and smoke started to billow out. I got up an exit ramp with smoke pouring out. My engine had blown up.
I called my brother, and a tow truck. The truck towed my car to a AAA lot, and my brother came to get my stuff out of my car. The car sat in the lot for a few days and then was junked. It served me well for about 15 years, but now I had no money, no job, and no car. My life would change dramatically after that.
Stay tuned.
I was staying for about six months in weekly-rate motels while looking for work. They weren't bad. Except for one which advertised free Wi-Fi, but it was only on with the manager's daughter needed to do her homework in the afternoons. My car was acting up, even when I was in Greenville. But, I tried to keep going with it. I took it to a mechanic who showed me that there was a crack in the engine block, and it was leaking oil. He said it would cost about $3000 to fix. So, I just added oil and kept rolling.
On Labor Day 2009, I had run out of money. I could no longer stay in the motel, so I packed up my stuff (most of it was in storage, so the things I had in the motel were clothes and some essentials), and I put two quarts of oil into my car. I drove out to Columbia Mall to put in some applications and then headed over to Dutch Square via I-20. About halfway down the road, there was a bang under the hood and smoke started to billow out. I got up an exit ramp with smoke pouring out. My engine had blown up.
I called my brother, and a tow truck. The truck towed my car to a AAA lot, and my brother came to get my stuff out of my car. The car sat in the lot for a few days and then was junked. It served me well for about 15 years, but now I had no money, no job, and no car. My life would change dramatically after that.
Stay tuned.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
I'm Back
Well, I had about a week on blog.com, but the site kept going down, and no one could access it, so I am back here. For you new ones, you can wade through my old blogs and probably find some interesting. Sometimes, I just wander with my thoughts. So, blogger is where I will be for now. I have nothing really to report today. I am going to the doctor for my annual checkup today. That should be fun. There is nothing better than getting poked and prodded. Check out what I have for sale at eBay. My seller name is wdurst. Also, support your local transit. It will save you some gas in the process. I don't have a car. Mine blew up about 4 years ago. A lot has happened since then. I will be going into that in detail later. So, have a nice day. I know I will.
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